Local Ice Cream Maker Cited for Inclusion of Frozen Pustules

Newark, NJ – July 22, 2014 – A local ice cream maker was indicted by the New Jersey State Police for intentionally adding frozen pustules to its product in June. The iEatscream franchise has been temporarily shut down as a result. Owner Jackard Melhicula was taken into custody Monday afternoon by Newark police while charges remain pending.

Known for its Icy Swirlspheres and flavored Granola Yogurtz’n’Gelato, the company reportedly added frozen pustules into its mixture at an Edison, NJ processing plant. The pustules were first reported by parents in a nearby township. Last week, a local school chef said there were “nasty floatin’ thangs” in his ice cream.

Science student Ally Ordonnle tested a sample in a local high school laboratory. “I honestly thought I could make this work for my term science project and paper,” she said under Oath of Embellishment. When test results indicated there were pustules, Ordonnle was “grossed out” and reported the finding to the science dean, who then notified a local response team.

Detailed analysis by the FDA is ongoing, according to the Non-Associated Press. As of now, officials say there is nothing to worry about. The pustules are likely dormant and pose no threat to the public.

This is not the first violation iEatscream has faced. In 2008, reports of metal shards in a discontinued product, SwishSlash Ices, surfaced. It turned out a natural additive was mixed with the crushed ice to make it look like razor blade pieces.

The company launched in 2005 as a joint venture between Albert Hoinstenaplos and his son Roy, as a single vending cart in Secaucus. Albert passed away in 2007 and, “was pusthumously awarded an honorary certification in ice cream entrepreneurship by the New Jersey State Business Certification Sub-Board of the State Entity Accreditation and Recognition Committee,” a source close to the investigation said.

Obama Camp Claims Debate Script Stolen

Hempstead, NY – October 16, 2012 – As President Barack Obama exhaustively practices for tonight’s debate with Republican nominee Mitt Romney, sources close to his debate coaching team say the script for the Denver debate held on October 3 was stolen just before the President was to go on the air.

An unidentified source said the hard copy was stolen before it could be loaded into the teleprompter, forcing the president to ad-lib his responses for the entire debate. “It wasn’t that Mr. Obama didn’t know the answers,” said the anonymous source, “The stress of losing the best ones possible just a couple hours before sent him into a frenzy, which exhausted the president mentally and physically.”

Moderator Jim Lehrer, who denies experiencing a phenomenon now called “sleep moderating” during the event, says he has no knowledge of any reports the script was stolen. Experts say the phenomenon is a potentially chronic condition similar to sleep walking. Lehrer was noted for his lack of control of the candidates during the debate, and reports of his dozing while off camera have been disputed.

Exactly who took the debate script for Denver remains unknown. A secret investigative committee, according to sources at the FBI, is looking into several individuals working for the GOP. The bureau refused to release any names at the time of this report, but also added that an inside job was not out of the question. Sources working for a rogue division added solar flares or aliens may have played a role.

Investigators also noted that a Pentagon threat assessment team was activated to ensure that the October 16 manuscript would be safe and sound. It was stored in an online database just for precaution. Secure channels would be used to upload it to the teleprompter, say embellished intelligence gatherers, without loss or manipulation of data by unauthorized parties. The debate airs on Tuesday from 9:00 - 10:30pm.

Is Dr. Phil Dad of Octuplet's Mom's Octuplets?

March 1, 2009 - Talkers on Fox News asked this question during a news bulletin today when reports surfaced that octuplet mom Nadya Suleman’s 2nd stepcousin's roommate used to date an anonymous relative of Dr. Phil, therefore he must indeed be the father of the octuplets, according to the Non-Associated press..

The cool demeanor and unfathomable attractiveness of Dr. Phil, and the fact that the two had most likely met at some point suggests that there is no other way a woman can possibly sporn octuplets in this situation, say credible scientific sources.

Dr. Phil's spokesperson had no official comment, but suggested that there were likely other probable causes.

However, Harmon Needledinger of the Word All Over tabloid says that it is an undeniable fact that Dr. Phil is the octuplet father and “Shame on him for pretending to exert his want of grace."

Nobody else had anything to comment, nor could they really understand Needledinger’s claim anyway.

Obama Sneezes on Stimulus Bill, Signing Delayed Due to Reprinting

Denver, CO – February 17th - As President Barack Obama was about to sign the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act into law on Monday in Denver, an abrupt sneeze soiled the 1,100 page report, delaying its signing by at least a day, according to the Non-Associated Press.

The sneeze came on quite suddenly, reported White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "There was no time for him to react and cover his nose. You could hear it echo through the halls." The President signed the stimulus package at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science.

Though it has been reported by various other sources that the sneeze was so explosive that mucus covered a significant portion of the page, Gibbs would not confirm that.

The President was notably embarassed, said another White House source.

There was no indication whether President Obama was dealing with the effects of a cold, or if it was just allergies. In a statement under Oath of Embellishment, White House Presidential Action Analyst Doug McDougal said it appeared to just be a random sneeze,.

Sources from the Capital Congressional Bill Printing Office say that the replacement package should be fully collated and on the President's desk by tomorrow morning.

Colleagues: U.S. Airways Pilot Always Was Someday Determined to Land Plane in Hudson

New York - January 17, 2009 - Following the heroic landing of a United Airlines jet into the Hudson River in New York City on Thursday, former colleagues of Captain C.B. Sullenberger have come forward, saying he would often joke that the river looked like a great place to land a plane, and that someday he'd do it, said a statement by the Non-Associated Press.

Several current and former FAA employees came forward on Saturday, said an NTSB representative. Their statements all seemed to concur that Sully's quick-witted antics often referred to landing an airplane in the Hudson River. One source claimed that the veteran pilot referenced it as recently as a month ago.

"He wouldn't just joke about it, he was serious," said former co-pilot T.W. Flipjack. "Sully studied the concept of water landings in a deep, determined way. The demeanor when he talked; he was determined to prove it."

"I always thought he was kidding," said Thurston "Thurky" Thornton III, "You know, to demonstrate his confidence. He was always like that at the academy."

Another source explained that Sullenberger's experience as an accident investigator qualified him to understand the dynamics of a water landing. While this makes sense to some, an investigation by U.S. Airways and the NTSB said there is no obvious connection that the pilot was intent on making a water ditch on purpose.

Scratch-and-Sniff Ballots Banned from Polling Stations

November 1st - The Federal Election Commission yesterday banned scratch-and-sniff ballots from polling centers in several cities in Mississippi, Nebraska, and Ohio, according to the Non-Associated Press.

The scratch-and-sniff ballots first arose as a rumor last month, when authorities in Cleveland came across the first mention of them on the Internet. This mention was initially dismissed as a hoax.

Several cases of these ballots were discovered 2 weeks ago, to be sent to polling centers for use on Election Day, say authorities. There were as many as 12 different 'flavors' available, from apple cinnamon to chocolate, to on labeled as 'fragrant flatulence.'

"None of this is particularly damaging," said Robert DeNiro in an unrelated interview, "This just shouldn't be done; it is not appropriate."

"We are tracking down those responsible for this," said an anonymous FBI official, who also commented as to why Robert DeNiro had anything to say at all on the matter.

Local Halloween Party Turns Away Costumes that Aren't Scary Enough

Baldwin, NY -November 1st - In a corner of Baldwin, on New York's Long Island, children and adults were turned away from a large party on Friday night because their costumes simply weren't scary enough for the MC's taste.

Reports based on statements from neighbors say that almost half the people that were headed to the party were seen leaving just minutes later. "It was obvious somebody had an agenda," said Betty Clermont, 46. "The people that left were children dressed as princesses, superman, batman, mermaids, and friendly animals. There were no witches, zombies, or ghosts leaving that party."

"They were letting all the ghosts and scary things go in. There was a guy with guts coming out of him. They went in, but the guy said we couldn't. He hates mermaids." said Tara, a 9-year-old girl who was happy to discuss the incident.

As many as 52 people were turned away from the party, according to estimates by eyewitness accounts.

Although several neighbors cited this incident as costume discrimination, no police reports were filed.