Is Dr. Phil Dad of Octuplet's Mom's Octuplets?

March 1, 2009 - Talkers on Fox News asked this question during a news bulletin today when reports surfaced that octuplet mom Nadya Suleman’s 2nd stepcousin's roommate used to date an anonymous relative of Dr. Phil, therefore he must indeed be the father of the octuplets, according to the Non-Associated press..

The cool demeanor and unfathomable attractiveness of Dr. Phil, and the fact that the two had most likely met at some point suggests that there is no other way a woman can possibly sporn octuplets in this situation, say credible scientific sources.

Dr. Phil's spokesperson had no official comment, but suggested that there were likely other probable causes.

However, Harmon Needledinger of the Word All Over tabloid says that it is an undeniable fact that Dr. Phil is the octuplet father and “Shame on him for pretending to exert his want of grace."

Nobody else had anything to comment, nor could they really understand Needledinger’s claim anyway.

Obama Sneezes on Stimulus Bill, Signing Delayed Due to Reprinting

Denver, CO – February 17th - As President Barack Obama was about to sign the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act into law on Monday in Denver, an abrupt sneeze soiled the 1,100 page report, delaying its signing by at least a day, according to the Non-Associated Press.

The sneeze came on quite suddenly, reported White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "There was no time for him to react and cover his nose. You could hear it echo through the halls." The President signed the stimulus package at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science.

Though it has been reported by various other sources that the sneeze was so explosive that mucus covered a significant portion of the page, Gibbs would not confirm that.

The President was notably embarassed, said another White House source.

There was no indication whether President Obama was dealing with the effects of a cold, or if it was just allergies. In a statement under Oath of Embellishment, White House Presidential Action Analyst Doug McDougal said it appeared to just be a random sneeze,.

Sources from the Capital Congressional Bill Printing Office say that the replacement package should be fully collated and on the President's desk by tomorrow morning.

Colleagues: U.S. Airways Pilot Always Was Someday Determined to Land Plane in Hudson

New York - January 17, 2009 - Following the heroic landing of a United Airlines jet into the Hudson River in New York City on Thursday, former colleagues of Captain C.B. Sullenberger have come forward, saying he would often joke that the river looked like a great place to land a plane, and that someday he'd do it, said a statement by the Non-Associated Press.

Several current and former FAA employees came forward on Saturday, said an NTSB representative. Their statements all seemed to concur that Sully's quick-witted antics often referred to landing an airplane in the Hudson River. One source claimed that the veteran pilot referenced it as recently as a month ago.

"He wouldn't just joke about it, he was serious," said former co-pilot T.W. Flipjack. "Sully studied the concept of water landings in a deep, determined way. The demeanor when he talked; he was determined to prove it."

"I always thought he was kidding," said Thurston "Thurky" Thornton III, "You know, to demonstrate his confidence. He was always like that at the academy."

Another source explained that Sullenberger's experience as an accident investigator qualified him to understand the dynamics of a water landing. While this makes sense to some, an investigation by U.S. Airways and the NTSB said there is no obvious connection that the pilot was intent on making a water ditch on purpose.

Scratch-and-Sniff Ballots Banned from Polling Stations

November 1st - The Federal Election Commission yesterday banned scratch-and-sniff ballots from polling centers in several cities in Mississippi, Nebraska, and Ohio, according to the Non-Associated Press.

The scratch-and-sniff ballots first arose as a rumor last month, when authorities in Cleveland came across the first mention of them on the Internet. This mention was initially dismissed as a hoax.

Several cases of these ballots were discovered 2 weeks ago, to be sent to polling centers for use on Election Day, say authorities. There were as many as 12 different 'flavors' available, from apple cinnamon to chocolate, to on labeled as 'fragrant flatulence.'

"None of this is particularly damaging," said Robert DeNiro in an unrelated interview, "This just shouldn't be done; it is not appropriate."

"We are tracking down those responsible for this," said an anonymous FBI official, who also commented as to why Robert DeNiro had anything to say at all on the matter.

Local Halloween Party Turns Away Costumes that Aren't Scary Enough

Baldwin, NY -November 1st - In a corner of Baldwin, on New York's Long Island, children and adults were turned away from a large party on Friday night because their costumes simply weren't scary enough for the MC's taste.

Reports based on statements from neighbors say that almost half the people that were headed to the party were seen leaving just minutes later. "It was obvious somebody had an agenda," said Betty Clermont, 46. "The people that left were children dressed as princesses, superman, batman, mermaids, and friendly animals. There were no witches, zombies, or ghosts leaving that party."

"They were letting all the ghosts and scary things go in. There was a guy with guts coming out of him. They went in, but the guy said we couldn't. He hates mermaids." said Tara, a 9-year-old girl who was happy to discuss the incident.

As many as 52 people were turned away from the party, according to estimates by eyewitness accounts.

Although several neighbors cited this incident as costume discrimination, no police reports were filed.

CNN Worried that Technical Glitch Could Freeze Touchscreen on Election Night

Atlanta - October 25 - On Friday, crews at CNN were working out details of a technical glitch in the touchscreen display used to detail Presidential election results, and hope to resolve the problem by election night.

CNN officials were worried that the interactive display could malfunction at any time. Power discrepancies between the interface and the internal electronics could cause things to appear and change that weren't intended to.

"This could cause voters to change their mind based on incorrect information," said a spokesperson.

Representatives wouldn't comment on whether they thought false results on the imaging system could sway viewers on the West Coast when results from the East coast were coming in.

"Or, the screen could just shut off entirely," said the lead CNN election night representative.

In the worst case scenario, according to CNN sources, the touch sense system could misinterpret motions which could cause entire states to move out of place, data to be jumbled, and everything just to be thrown into chaos.

CNN Election Night Rehearsals Underway

Atlanta - October 25 - According to the Non-Associated Press, CNN anchors and reporters began conducting rehearsals on Thursday for the upcoming Presidential election on November 4th.

CNN reporters and correspondents were working overtime, while off the air, in a mock up of the studio that will be used on election night. A portion of the rehearsal process has been dedicated to making sure the giant touch screen functions properly.

Camera crews were also assessing angles as well as sequences of angles, according to sources at the cable network.

Anonymous interns also said that Wolf Blitzer was heard practicing his lines in his dressing room, rest room, and even walking down the hallway.

Technicians were also making sure that correspondants' laptops would be synchronized so that during panel discussions, where wouldn't be any mishaps or misinformation delivered.