Sunday, March 1, 2009

Is Dr. Phil Dad of Octuplet's Mom's Octuplets?

March 1, 2009 - Talkers on Fox News asked this question during a news bulletin today when reports surfaced that octuplet mom Nadya Suleman’s 2nd stepcousin's roommate used to date an anonymous relative of Dr. Phil, therefore he must indeed be the father of the octuplets, according to the Non-Associated press..

The cool demeanor and unfathomable attractiveness of Dr. Phil, and the fact that the two had most likely met at some point suggests that there is no other way a woman can possibly sporn octuplets in this situation, say credible scientific sources.

Dr. Phil's spokesperson had no official comment, but suggested that there were likely other probable causes.

However, Harmon Needledinger of the Word All Over tabloid says that it is an undeniable fact that Dr. Phil is the octuplet father and “Shame on him for pretending to exert his want of grace."

Nobody else had anything to comment, nor could they really understand Needledinger’s claim anyway.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Obama Sneezes on Stimulus Bill, Signing Delayed Due to Reprinting

Denver, CO – February 17th - As President Barack Obama was about to sign the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act into law on Monday in Denver, an abrupt sneeze soiled the 1,100 page report, delaying its signing by at least a day, according to the Non-Associated Press.

The sneeze came on quite suddenly, reported White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "There was no time for him to react and cover his nose. You could hear it echo through the halls." The President signed the stimulus package at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science.

Though it has been reported by various other sources that the sneeze was so explosive that mucus covered a significant portion of the page, Gibbs would not confirm that.

The President was notably embarassed, said another White House source.

There was no indication whether President Obama was dealing with the effects of a cold, or if it was just allergies. In a statement under Oath of Embellishment, White House Presidential Action Analyst Doug McDougal said it appeared to just be a random sneeze,.

Sources from the Capital Congressional Bill Printing Office say that the replacement package should be fully collated and on the President's desk by tomorrow morning.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Colleagues: U.S. Airways Pilot Always Was Someday Determined to Land Plane in Hudson

New York - January 17, 2009 - Following the heroic landing of a United Airlines jet into the Hudson River in New York City on Thursday, former colleagues of Captain C.B. Sullenberger have come forward, saying he would often joke that the river looked like a great place to land a plane, and that someday he'd do it, said a statement by the Non-Associated Press.

Several current and former FAA employees came forward on Saturday, said an NTSB representative. Their statements all seemed to concur that Sully's quick-witted antics often referred to landing an airplane in the Hudson River. One source claimed that the veteran pilot referenced it as recently as a month ago.

"He wouldn't just joke about it, he was serious," said former co-pilot T.W. Flipjack. "Sully studied the concept of water landings in a deep, determined way. The demeanor when he talked; he was determined to prove it."

"I always thought he was kidding," said Thurston "Thurky" Thornton III, "You know, to demonstrate his confidence. He was always like that at the academy."

Another source explained that Sullenberger's experience as an accident investigator qualified him to understand the dynamics of a water landing. While this makes sense to some, an investigation by U.S. Airways and the NTSB said there is no obvious connection that the pilot was intent on making a water ditch on purpose.